In any marriage, even the most supportive and agreeable, there are disagreements, and the way the couple resolves conflict affects the welfare, vibrancy and longevity of the marriage. Some couples mistakenly believe their marriage has no chance of success if they experience conflict, which may be due to the old-school belief that conflict should be avoided to ensure family unity. The result of conflict avoidance is often barely controlled anger and deep-seated resentment about unresolved issues.
Ironically, discussing disagreements can actually foster growth and intimacy in a relationship if the conflict is resolved constructively. Conflict is normal and inevitable, and in blended families, issues of transitioning kids, ex-spouses, financial problems and parenting differences can increase the range of disagreements with negative results.
Among the many experts in the field of relationships and conflict resolution, Dr Scott Haltzman offers unique insight and practical advice in his best-selling book, The Secrets of Happily Married Men: Eight Ways to Win Your Wifes Heart Forever. Dr Haltzman has distilled current research from countless married men into a useful guide that highlights eight effective strategies that help marriages work.
Strategy # 4, "Expect Conflict and Deal with It," helps couples better comprehend conflict by illustrating how men and women are biologically hardwired to cope with it, the moods and motives that drive disagreements, the patterns of conflicts and how to diffuse them. Everyone wants to feel listened to, cared for and validated, and being aware of this goes a long way to helping couples resolve conflict and smooth things over before they spiral out of control.
Heres what Dr Haltzman wants us to know about conflict:
1. Happy and unhappy couples argue about the same amount of time and about the same basic issues: money, sex and housework being the three most common.
2. 69 % of clashes in a marriage are never resolved, and thats an acceptable level.
3. Both men and women can learn constructive ways to debate issues, and to agree to disagree.
4. Conflict many times surfaces due to the inherent differences in how the sexes view conflict and how they cope with it.
Dr Haltzman describes the 4 common ways that arguments accelerate. See if you recognize yourself or your partner in any of these descriptions:
Feeding the Fire: We all know the scenario where a criticism or complaint is voiced, the response being more hostility, and so it goes, until its a free-for-all that includes ancient history from arguments past. An escalating, major altercation cannot just be shut down like an out-of-control video game, but keeps accelerating. Strategies for putting the brakes on out-of-control "fires" include softening your tone, looking for areas of agreement, staying positive and "holding that emotion," which essentially means refraining from escalating into a higher gear with hateful comments.
Withdrawal and Avoidance: Men are more likely to withdraw from and not deal with a grievance than women are, and this sends a dismissive message to women that makes them very aggravated. Women dislike avoidance because the act of engagement makes them feel better, even though the issue may not be resolved. Men avoid and withdraw for sound biological reasons but this will fuel the fire of conflict with the women in their lives.
Negative Interpretation: Assigning unintended negative meaning to things a spouse does or doesnt say can incite major conflict that can escalate quickly, since each partner is responding to something that was neither stated nor intended. Clarifying one's meaning and active listening can help cut this out.
Finger Pointing: This is the classic criticizing that requires a response, which turns into defensiveness and more blame. The effective technique is to use I statements that point the finger at yourself rather than your spouse. The most important element of a conflict is how its resolved or "patched up" when a quarrel is concluded. Both men and women must decide whether being right is more important than preserving a healthy marriage. Among recently wed couples that could not patch things up after a contention, the divorce rate was 90 %, versus an 84% successful marriage rate of those who could come to an understanding.
Couples can have fun trying out many different strategies to restore harmony after a fight; this puts the fight behind them so they can move past that and focus on the aim of enjoying a successful marriage.
About the Author
Sheena Berg enjoys writing articles for the StepHeroes step parenting tipsnewsletter. To learn more about happily married men, there's no substitute for reading "The Secrets of Happily Married Men" by Dr. Scott Haltzman, M.D.
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