My husband sent me a text message recently. It read, "237 glubs for you." I have no idea what a glub is. But I smiled anyway! I sent him a message back: "237 x 4.5 glubs back to you." We've been sending each other silly glub messages ever since.
My husband's glub message was a bid for connection. I could have ignored his message, or been less positive in my response. I confess that often I do ignore or lightly pass over my husband's connection bids. After all I'm a busy person.
Ignoring a connection bid or responding to a connection bid by changing the subject isn't always intentional. Given the demands of work, family, exercise goals, commutes, community activities, church involvement and kids games, a positive response to a partner's glub is understandably overlooked.
Marital researcher John Gottman has found that the masters of marriage don't ignore bids for connection. Marriage masters frequently turn to their partners with a bid for connection and their partners respond positively to those connection bids.
Another possible response to a bid for connection is a hostile response. Naturally a plethora of hostile responses to connection bids are poison for a relationship.
But the most surprising finding in Dr. Gottman's research is the effect of neutral responses to connection bids. A pattern of consistently bland or neutral responses to connection bids pointed to a marriage disaster in the making.
So the next time your partner sends a glub your way don't respond by asking about the laundry. Send a glub back. Better yet, send a glub x 4.5 back.
About the Author
Irene Oudyk-Suk, MACS, MSW, is a counselor in Mississauga who is a specialist in helping people to improve their relationships and their marriage. Irene is available for consultation and can be reached here: GoodTherapy or Therapist Sarasota
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